narcissism

* not clinical term

* is descriptive term

• no different than calling someone stubborn, introverted, agreeable, antagonistic…
• ie.narcissism is described by a lack of empathy, entitlement, grandiosity, arrogance, superficiality, validation seeking …

* is a pattern of behavior that causes more discomfort for people around the narcissist, than for narcissist themselves

prevalence of narcissism -vs- narcissistic personality disorder

* narcissistic personality disorder: 1-4% (some studies 6-8%) ie. not lots of people

• problem: not much research, because they do not show up to research studies or therapy, because they do not think that they have a problem that causes distress to others

* narcissism: 20-25%. ie. a lot

narcissism is on a spectrum from

* mild: which is annoying for you

* severe & dangerous: exploitative & coercive, making you feel menaced and unsettled. It does not feel good for you as target

narcissism is deeply misunderstood term

* may have thought that narcissism means self love

• we now know it’s the opposite. It’s self-loathing.

* may have thought that narcissists are confident

• we now know that it’s the opposite. They are insecure.

narcissist personality

* characterized by lack of empathy, entitlement, grandiosity, chronic insecurity, arrogance, superficiality, validation seeking, difficulty regulating emotions

* are not reasonable people

* types: increasing order of danger

• grandiose (overt) front-door - in your face - easy to see
• victim (covert, passive-aggressive) back-door -sneaky, do things under radar
• malignant (dissociated, sociopath, psychopath)

depth & breadth of narcissism

continuum

• mild - extreme
• back door (sneaky) - front door (obvious)
• individual target - societal/cultural target

nodes (specific narc behavior patterns) - also have ranges

• cycle is not linear - goes all over the place
• types are not consistent - can be many characteristics and different types

What to do if your are a target

Caution! for target: supportive understanding from others is limited

IF someone has been acutely targeted themselves by a narcissist

• THEN these behavior descriptions will resonate

IF someone has not been acutely targeted themselves by a narcissist

• THEN these behavior descriptions will not resonate
  AND they often end up further enabling narcissist & victimizing target
• see "Why it's so hard to heal from narcissistic abuse"
  

IF you are target of narc THEN ideal goal is to work them out of your life

* 1st step: learn how to recognize impact by narc

* 2nd step: learn how to lessen impact by narc by deflecting/responding

* 3rd step: learn how to recognize damage to self from narc target

* 4th step: learn how to heal damage to self

1->2->3->4 once passed through each step quickly once,

THEN jump among steps for the rest of your life journey.

• this recursive loop that never ends

your task:

* observe the patterns/characteristics that are happening around you

* use the above categorizations to start to pinpoint consistent dynamics

Study tips - for learning about narcissism: look at

step1) narc targeting an individual

step2) narc + narc enablers targeting individual

→ with this foundational understanding, it is easy to magnify to groups

Study narcissism, with same approach as study math or science

step1) understand a concept

step2) an example to demonstrate concept

step3) understand variations of the concept

• Easy way: ask questions
  • How would opposite work → figure out
  • How would it work with parameter changes → figure out
• Hard way: do many, many examples of various situations
  • There are infinite possibilities, so draw a limit of a few, and IF don't get it THEN go back to concept to understand
  • Each concept is simple, so IF feels complicated THEN have missed the simplicity of it. Keep searching for reasonableness!